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Eric Weiner, Ph.D.414-218-8899 |
Parenting in Prosperous Families:
Principles You Can Live By
By Eric L. Weiner, MSW, Ph.D.
There is no way around it. Money does not buy happiness. Once basic needs are met, not only does wealth fail to protect children from having problems, it may even increase the likelihood of putting children at risk.
Recent research by Dr. Suniya Luthar and her colleagues at Columbia University has identified a new group of at-risk children: these kids are preteens and teens from wealthy, well-educated families. They have advantages kids from the inner city might envy but also experience the highest rates of depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, somatic complaints, and unhappiness of any group of children in our country.
Consider the following research findings.
Children from wealthy families exhibit very high rates of emotional problems starting in junior high school and increasing throughout adolescence.
22% of adolescent girls suffer from clinical depression - nearly three times the national rate.
Adolescent boys show high rates of depression and anxiety disorders. By the time they reach the 11th and 12th grades, they often self medicate with alcohol and drugs.
Depressive symptoms put children at risk for suicide, anorexia, and car accidents.
What Accounts for these Findings?
Dr. Luthar and her colleagues say two factors are at the core: extreme pressures to achieve and a lack of parental closeness. Here are some things to identify for each group:
Achievement Pressure
Excessive emphasis on material success
Overly anxious performance expectations (e.g. grades, extra-curricular activities)
Push for perfectionism
Over-scheduling their time
Lack of Parental Closeness
Too much alone time at home
Career over-involvement
Little or no “check-in” time. Parent’s don’t inquire about daily events.
Over relying on the use of parental surrogates (e.g. nannies, caretakers)
Little or no 1:1 relationship building time with parents
Low levels of closeness to parents
Rather than developing the resilience they need to deal with life’s challenges, children are lacking the core skills needed to succeed. They lack competence in the following:
Tolerating frustration
Delaying gratification
Impulse control
Developing a solid work ethic
Developing a balanced, healthy perspective about money and the role it has in their lives
What Can You do?
This is challenging work that may require significant changes in life-style, relationships and maybe even therapy. Nonetheless, there are things successful parents do.
Successful parents:
Work on their marriage. They find time to be together without the children. Some call this their protected “date time.” They realize that with a positive marriage they tend to be more effective parents.
Create opportunities for positive family togetherness such as having meals together. Research shows that the frequency of family meals is inversely related with the use of alcohol, drugs, depressive symptoms and suicide among adolescents.
Allow their children to make mistakes. Parents that over-protect or rush in to solve problems (e.g. do their homework; solve relationship conflicts) hinder their children’s ability to take care of themselves. As a result, their children do not learn important skills that may give them a sense of self-control.
Find ways to manage their anxiety. Humor, play, exercise, and Yoga, to name a few, all help to dissipate anxiety, improve mood and positively change one’s perspective.
Work to find a proper balance between their careers and family life. See the “Finding Balance” material @ HYPERLINK "http://www.inc.com" www.inc.com for more information.
Listen deeply. They avoid over talking or lecturing. They show interest, curiosity and encourage full expression when listening to their children.
Connect with Your Children
Having a relationship with your children is not just a matter of spending time together, says family psychiatrist Roberta Gilbert, it’s based on the principles of being separate, equal and open. Her premise is that children need each of the following:
Separate: Parents should not be a space invader. They should not invade their kids boundaries and conversely kids should not invade yours.
Equal: The ultimate goal is to strive for an equal relationship with our children. An unequal relationship is one where parents help too much and ultimately inhibit their kid’s ability to become self-sufficient. In an equal relationship parents encourage children to come up with their own solutions.
Open: Create an open environment where anything can be discussed. In an open relationship our children know what we think and where we stand on all sorts of issues. Children really do want to know our beliefs and principles. After all, they listen and model their behavior on what we do.
Establishing strong connections with children takes some effort. The pay off for them is better overall adjustment and a clear sense of who they are and what they believe in. Is there a better legacy we can leave as parents?
References
Suniya Luthar, “The Culture of Affluence: Psychological Costs of Material Wealth.” Child Development, November/December 2003, Volume 74, Number 6, pp. 1581-1593.
Roberta Gilbert, “Connecting with our Children: Guiding Principles for Parents in a Troubled World,” (New York: Wiley, 1999).
Published in Vistage Voice (e-newsletter), July, 2009.